Build Yourself Up

Today I want to talk about self confidence. (I feel like I’m writing an essay in 1st grade. “I’m going to tell you about…”)

Self confidence is hard. And don’t for a second think it’s only hard for people who struggle with their weight or only for women. Self confidence is just hard. Period. Everyone struggles with something. Even if you are a very confident person who actually loves their body, there is something that you either dislike or don’t feel comfortable about. When I was little, before I was fat, it was my feet. They’re big. And wide. People used to call them “flintsone feet” and I never wore sandles. 

Everyone has something.

I think a lot of people start off their weight loss journey thinking “If I lose 20 pounds, I’ll feel more comfortable in a bikini.” And maybe that’s true for some people, but it’s not always the case and being smaller does not always immediately give you the confidence and security that you would expect.

For me personally, it’s extremely important that I feel comfortable in this body during my journey. And that I feel comfortable in the body I will end up with, no matter how it looks, because it will be a healthy, strong body that will last me well into old age. 

I weighed 290 pounds when I started. I’m only 5 feet tall and my goal weight is 130 pounds. This is the high end of healthy for my height. When I achieve this goal, I will have lost 160 lbs. That’s a whole person. I will be less than half of my size now.

I’m nervous about how that will look. I’m not losing weight because I don’t like my body. I actually do (although I’d be lying if I said it didn’t take some time to get to that point). And I’m nervous that when I get smaller I won’t look like myself. 

Mostly, I’m nervous about loose skin. I’m not going from a size 4 to a size 2. This transition might not be everything I expect. I am young, which works to my favor, and losing weight slowly and by exercising and eating right, which should mean that my skin has time to adjust to its new size. But it might not adjust the way I want it to. 

Yes, I’ll be smaller, but my breasts will likely not be as perky or thighs as firm. I might have excess skin that hangs or sags in places where it shouldn’t. This is a reality. This is very likely, considering my size. It’s difficult to accept, but it’s a possibility. 

It’s important that I feel comfortable with how I look at every step of this transition. Starting with now. And more importantly that I not tie who I am to how I look. Because that’s not who I am. That’s just my vessel.

And this new vessel, the one I’m working so hard on creating, will be healthier, stronger, able to run without getting winded, able to play with my kids, and able to carry me to meet my grandchildren someday. 

Thats a beautiful thing. And while I might not always look into the mirror and see perfection, I can feel very confident in knowing that I’m working to accomplish something beautiful. 

Every step of this journey is beautiful. Loose skin, muscle aches, food cravings, setbacks, hard work. It’s all beautiful. 

As long as I can see the beauty in my progress, I can feel beautiful in my skin at every step of my journey.  

 

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